As I discuss in this podcast, while the ideas, tools and techniques I offer are very effective for helping resolve garden-variety communication problems there are situations in which it is not appropriate for you to try these out. Xo, LMB. Its funny, you spelled out my most recent relationship with this podcast. I didnt know how to cope with his angry demeanor or words when he wanted to get me to talk to him, i only further withdrew or got more defensive and it only escalated from there.
My therapist thinks we started showing a flat out lack of compassion and respect because neither of us knew how to talk to each other or get what we needed at that point. My dad always said, a friend isnt someone that helps you in a time of need, its someone who respects your boundaries.
We started losing sight of that, lost our friendship and therefore our relationship. Never lose respect for one another. If you show a lack of respect, youre bound to lose their trust. I could not agree more William. It sounds like you have a lot of great insight and are doing good work in loving and respecting yourself while dealing with a difficult relationship situation.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. All the best, Lisa. Check to see if he is diabetic, if he takes steroid meds, or is in pain. None of this excuses this but it can help you distnguish when he is really being an ass for no reason. You are very kind Cristyna. My partner and I were best friends in high school years ago now both 26 and have actually started dating within a year. We decided to rush things and had to buy a home after having a child together. I started struggling a lot with alcohol because I felt he emotionally withdrew from me- for I am the hypersensitive one and he is the angry, hostile partner who has cut off all intimacy.
For example, what can I say to an angry person that critiques you in a mean way. I listened to your podcast and was just confused on how to figure out what they are really upset about. Please e-mail me back! Huge fan. KM, thank you for reaching out. You have had so many big changes, so quickly, it is normal that things would feel stressful. Newish relationship, new house and new baby in the space of a year?
And some recovery work in there too? That is a lot! And when people are feeling overwhelmed and experiencing so many major life events all at once it can be a breeding ground for arguments, emotional withdrawal, and disconnection. And my goodness, you need to! Also, I am so glad that my podcasts are helpful to you, but please know that the type of dynamic you are describing is not one that can be resolved with few quick tips or self help kinds of information, like the type I provide in my podcast.
In order for this to change, it will likely involve you and your partner sitting down with a good marriage counselor who can begin to help you both learn and grow. I sincerely hope that you make an appointment with a good couples counselor who can help you both learn how to understand each other, develop empathy for each other, and learn productive and respectful new ways of communicating with each other — especially during times of stress.
Most people do not do this. They do whatever reflexive thing they learned how to do in their families, for better or for worse, and it does not go well. There are a few exceptionally privileged people who got to grow up in families where mature, healthy people had healthy, self aware relationships with each other and modeled things like emotional regulation, stress management, effective teamwork, open communication, and how to handle inevitable conflict in a constructive way.
The rest of us myself included had to very deliberately learn how to do all of the above in order to have strong, successful marriages. The investment you make in your marriage can create a stable, respectful, loving and functional family which is the greatest gift you can possibly give a child.
You ALL deserve to have that type of family, and you do have the power to create it — with the right support. A straight infantile move on their part. I say this by being totally guilty of that. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted.
If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. For Remember that. Just move forward — without them. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.
Are you sure you want to go? The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Mine was awful. Just awful. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.
We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. Your partner will never take responsibility for her behavior, she will never apologize and you will once again lose part of yourself. Peace of mind is absolutely obtainable and you deserve it. I dont need a confession or witnesses or proof only my intuition which is always right on.
I feel so alone, but obviously Im not. Im so confused because 27 years ago I think I was a nice person. I thought I fell in love with a nice person.
Over the years Ive drastically changed from the person I was or thought I was. You do everything for everyone else but nothing for me.. Now he can only say I do nothing for him. Im on my feet all day and have a very early start.
In the past if I had to do anything with his business he wiould ring and yell at me and tell m how dumb and useless I was then hang up. But at least I know I work 5 days a week and look after the home. Easier not to have friends and stay home. I drink to much — years ago I would have a wine with lemonade. Gradually I increased my consumption. It helped me relax and numb the comments.
I never knew what sort of mood he would come home in and what I would get into trouble for. Easier to be at home. Anyway I now am going through very bad menapouse — he was kind of understanding at first but now he is over it. He hates it if I cry, he finds it very annoying. Looking back I should have left years ago, instead I tried to hide it all from our daughter, so now she thinks its all my fault.
Omg your story sounds just like mine! I am 18 years In and I have changed who I was! I used to be outgoing and had friends and now with him he was jealous possessive always having attitude if I mentioned going anywhere at all no mall no dinner with friends nothing! He thinks he has a right to control me because he makes more money and is always threatening to leave me and take everything.
I prefer to just stay home instead of asking if I can hang out even with my sisters he has a problem! I want to leave but he will make my life miserable and I fear going through all the pain and suffering instead I just live day by day hoping one day I get brave enough to leave.
Why is is so wrong to be with some else for a few hours. If a few meetings here there keeps the sick marriage intact so be it to. I agree with you, Roger. Two wrongs do NOT make a right. This person needs to leave the relationship. Just say goodbye and move on. Same here , I want him to leave, my house way before meeting him. Will be 50, times worse if I file for divorce. I refuse to leave my home I have lost everything that I have worked for my whole life.
Nobody that I work with understands that. He became evil after my mom died and I have nobody as he has turned my ,? Friends against me. So, day by day I work I come home I do nothing but cry and have thoughts of… I would never do anything as I am a pathetic wimp that is afraid of everything, his words.
All while he just lies around like he is king tut with that smirk on his face, I could go on and on and write a book also. He has destroyed my cars, my home, my finances and my spirit. I can understand why on those investigational shows , women do what they do. Come to find out I believe my mom was a narcissistic as well, my life with her to him.
Never new that people like that had a medical dx, no law to protect the innocent and weak from being mentally, emotionally and financially abused everyday. They just get away with it. Im so sorry to hear about your situation. I hope that someday you figure out how to leave him without giving up too much more than you have. Really it will. So proud of you for your resolve to seek a better life. Believe in yourself. You deserve to live in peace. Dear Julie, my heart breaks when I read your story.
I know just what you are talking about, the slow decline of who you are. Best advice? Get out now. Tell her your fears, your hurt, your hopes. Then tell your man you are leaving. Do not spend the rest of your life hating yourself for staying with such a shit. Yes it will be hard, but the relief you will feel after is glorious! I think a lot of it regarding your daughter depends on age. You need to do what you have to do to make you happy, you know the answer, as I do in my relationship.
My prayers are with you. I can also recommend therapeutic books which will change your mind set. Well u sounded like me in alot of ways he works labor pool daily pay we live in a suite and its been. This is the story of my life. Story of my life. He accuses me of cheating, and on occasions he calls me a whore.
We split for awhile because he cheated while I was giving birth and of course she got pregnant. He cried and begged me to take him back, he even tried committing suicide several times.
Well I took him back and we split again, he promised me he would change and things would be different because he found God. Julie, I do not know if you still read this message board. I just wanted to reach out and tell you how much your story has moved me and how much I am sorry that you are treated this way by your abusive husband. It will be best for your mental and physical health to divorce and live in peace. It will be difficult, as you say your daughter has been confused about whose fault the situation is.
But with time, as she matures, she will see things for what they are. After 27 years, you have to think about yourself and live your days with joy, fulfillment and respect.
I hope you are okay Julie, sounds very similar to my friends relationships and I just hope you are safe and alright, sounds like you are feeling very alone, please know other woman do understand, maybe a group of support, even just online would really help a lot of you woman deal with the vulnerable situations you are in, so sorry for your struggle and hope you know you are not alone, it just feels that way.
This was me! I left him and got together with a gal pal from 20some years ago. Life is better for me-I feel respected. Good luck. Hope everything is working out — for YOU!
Hi Julie, I feel you. This is also me. I am only 48, but I feel like my life is over. I also invested my entire life into caring for our two daughters now 22 and 24, while battling depression which I did not realize was getting worse, but I feel depleted. Not only have I not reaped any benefit for being a self sacrificing mother and stay at home parent, but I have all but already vanished. Dead in spirit and invisible in society.
I no longer exist. My husband is what society calls a good honest wonderful man. He puts my name and the kids name on everything, so we are protected financially. Just words. And not even something I could ever relay to anyone without sounding I was overreacting and overly sensitive. It was insidious. He did not say it, he acted it. Little passive aggressive gestures of control. So everyone thought I was nuts. I did help him with the business until the kids were born, but it was much the same.
I hated being touched, even by my children. I did not do the wifely thing. I could not. I DID everything else for the duration of all of my marriage. Run the house, cook every meal from scratch, pack lunch boxes, stay up all night with the children for exams, homework, university, breakups, sickness, home repairs etc.
Through everything, I tried not to stress him out because he was handling the financial part. He had no clue what was happening with the children, but he knew that I was failing as a wife. I earned every grain of food that went into my mouth, that I know.
He made it a point to take away anything that made me smile. My cooking, he said was pointless. I sew and paint, very very well. I have a green thumb.
He said I waste too much time. I loved our cat, he said I grinned like a loon around her. She died young from cancer, he resented the love I gave her, even though he cried for her.
I tried fostering. He says me not giving him sex for years has caused him to stress and snore. I could not bear it anymore, so I moved into another room once the girls left for university. I offered to leave him. I got a degree in archaeology. Got a distinction. It made him inwardly upset, outwardly he told the world that wife did good.
But he asked me to put my masters aside to focus on the kids because he could not. I did that too. I hate what I am. I do not want to hate. I want to feel nothing. I still wonder if I am the problem,sometimes. I can be abrasive, harsh when I talk, so he tells me I hurt him.
People more readily believe him than me. Until they observe us for a while. He never has. He plays the game well. Divorce, he will not entertain. I cannot leave because at 48, never having worked, and in a place where a new language is key for job applications, my options to work are very very limited. My reflection in the mirror now shows a woman who has exercised to gauntness, with a bitter face and a droopy mouth. I am not even attractive anymore. My children do not value me, and l find myself just doing what they want.
My oldest is cutting in the way she talks to me. I walk round all day functioning normally to get things done while I cry tears nobody can see, even as they roll down my face on the street.
I am to the world, already gone. I tried to be positive because there are worse lives and life is not fair. I tell myself, there is so much pain and suffering and mine is nothing, but perhaps I am finally being selfish. I am in menopause and what I really want is to feel nothing anymore. I am so sorry for my rambling message. I cannot express the pain any other way. Thanks for letting me rant xo. Menopause is tricky. It seems as if the estrogen makes women more tolerant and when the estrogen lowers women see more clearly how they spent their lives serving others and forgot to take care of themselves.
If a woman sacrifices too much she will become bitter and angry. If a woman turned to substance, alcohol, or drugs she had added another problem to her life. What can she do? Begin to live in truth! Join AA, go to rehab,or just stop drinking. Take responsibility for your wrong actions etc and work on your own problems.
He cannot make me do anything or feel anything. It is my reaction that I can and must change! I hereby release these damaged people from blame.
I now have more wisdom and more power! I will begin to change myself for the better! They are responsible for themselves. They think with their pre-conceived opinions or their emotions. I will not try to reason with people who are non-rational. I do not respond to untrue statements because I live and respond only to truth.
As for me, I do not respond to untruth. Thanks for sharing. I just left an abusive partner and your post made me feel better. Society has made it so easy for men to cheat and I just have lost all hope. I feel depressed because I truly feel nobody can be trusted.
All men are the same. I hope I can relearn to trust again. Thanks again for sharing. Reading this has been great tbh. I always thought it was my fault and now maybe not.
So me and my wife and I broke up last November and although we live apart we would still be around each other a lot because of our children.
So what lead to the break up. I had to give up my friends because she did not like them I could not go out without getting calls every half hour of when you coming home I went out twice a year but I did not care when she went out and left her to enjoy her night.
How can you be so judgmental to a sex as a whole with such a small sense of information gathering. Just food for thought. Male not like the rest… but claimed to be by you. I am a woman and I agree with you, its really not fair or mature for anyone to blame this on gender , it is so much more complex than that.
Just wanted to say that my life has gotten bad after my last ex. He said he loved me was going to marry me and have a family. But he also spit in my face and said i was a man and much worse things. I can never allow myself to be with a man intimatly again.
I no longer trust anybody. I am half dead inside now and my identity has been murdered even though i still feel and act like a woman. Oh my heart aches for you. I had given up hope of meeting a partner.. I had my own place.. Started painting for a hobby. I just felt that having a loving true partner.. I seemed to attract …player type men…. I now realize, I was picking people..
Hard realization …. I was not looking for anyone. Sometimes the loneliness…felt like a cold wind.. I spent.. I strengthened my spirit. I seemed to watch the world from the outside.. As I approached the age of 30, I was resigned.. Friends from school…. He asked me to have dinner. I said okay….. No games…. I weep as I write this.. I say to people…. But my other half always blames me for everything the way his life is.
I work and I hold the house up and does make income but my income is reliable. His come when we needs it. Peace of mind, safety, belonging…all obtainable things everyone deserves to have. Those words contain enormous strength and hope. Am a very hard worker.
I meditate and pray, excercise. Used to have lots and lots of friends. I totally accept that I have my flaws as all humans do. And I try so hard not to trigger him, and to understand my husband, have gone thru cognitive behavioral therapy, counseling. I am sincerely trying so hard. But, the physical abuse, left injuries, fear, some PTSD, the emotional games, the extreme highs and lows.
The cheating, lying, sneaking around on me. Insulting me for crying or accusing my emotions of being fake, a show. The cycle of him apologizing, then repeat. Lying, accusing me of cheating daily obsessively when he is the only one that has been unfaithful, tearing me down with words that hit harder than the hands to my face or around my throat.
Yet why am I googling for help? If it is this bad, and he is in prison right now for it, why am I feeling not good enough still? And I want it to be so bad. They take time to gradually break you down to nothing, slowly taking over your life, your friendships gone, freedom gone, self esteem gone, family gone.
Money gone. Your own hopes and dreams gone. Even the ability to just speak or stand or look a certain way. Everything is controlled. When you go to bed, wake up, money, your own beliefs, what shows you watch. Cuz like he says, who is ever gonna love you bitch?
And they can be just amazing and love you so much for weeks. But the second they get a tad bit angry, they seem to easily flip the switch, and their behavior says they flat out hate you no matter how much you give of yourself to them, how much you forgive, love, spoil, pray for, research help for anger, try to be good enough for them.
So you feel empty, defeated, worthless, hopeless stuck, and that is where I am today. But, I am not giving up on me. I am Battling in my mind to find the strength and hope that I still have a chance to live a happy life. And wondering why the hell I think things like what if he changes? What if I leave him and he changes and someone else will get to live the life with him that I deserve.
Can I handle that?? After all I gave of me for him? It will not make a bit of sense to most people. Cuz it makes NO sense to me. But it deeply affects me. Torments me. Either me or my partner are seriously messed up. The conclusion is that each human displays and demonstrates these tendencies. Is this me? The highs can be happiness, which is usually a result of when I am doing what she believes is right; cooking, cleaning, agreeing with her, wearing clothes she likes, not blocking her in any way.
The lows occur when I disagree, express my feelings, my concerns, my beliefs. I can grow angry, want to break out, lash out, scream, cry, pace.
I feel trapped, bound and gagged, useless, irritated, frustrated, scared. I feel if I can fix this we will be happy. But I cannot fix it. No matter what I do, all I seem to do is sabotage things. Yet she stays. She stays even though she threatens to leave. Then she goes and I dance for her, promising anything for her return.
So she returns and I dance harder. Yet I dance. My bones ache and I dance. I dance because those few moments I get love and adoration are worth all that dancing. I pay heartily for those moments. Never realising bits and pieces of me are being taken. Pieces of my soul, my heart, my mind and sanity. But still I dance. Am I the fly or the spider here? I just want to stop dancing. Your words are poetic. Rons words were beautiful, i cried so hard, it really resonated with me, i felt like someone was writing it about me, i can relate to a T.
I too have lost my entire friend group TBM. If you would be ever willing to have an email correspondence I would appreciate it more than you could possibly know. I can relate wholeheartedly word for word.
You got me in tears. WOW everyone on here is hurting so badly. We started having a really good time. I had some bad neighbors and he was very protective of me. It was really great to have him stand up for me. I just said fine. That is just one example of many of what sounds really similar to what you are all saying here. It sucks because I like him around and LOL he fixes everything, buys me a lot of gifts, he loves my dog seems thoughtful in many ways.
We are good at sharing together. Another part feels that once he has conquered me that our friendship part of this is going to fall apart very quickly.
One last thing. I think he lied about the honors he got in the military. I am sure that only a handful of people have received the medal of honor and yet he has one. He has about 10 medals from special forces. I mean his story sounds true and he walks the talk. Still wears dog tags. He was such a gentleman the first month. He always stayed due to the neighbor but always slept on the futon in the front room.
I think I should get the strength to walk away before this story gets too messed up. The other thing that complicates it is that he is so helpful to everyone, always taking on problems of others trying to help less advantaged people. Nothing is ever black and white. I feel every bit of your words!
This resonates with me. My husband threw his wedding ring at me yesterday and told me he was leaving me in the morning and slept in the spare room. I spent all night crying And this morning I again try and make things better taking him coffee saying sorry tiptoeing around him. Tomorrow I need to say yes go. EM W what happened. It sounds to me like he has big anger issues. Next time he throws the wedding ring take it and hock it for a vacation for yourself and tell him so. I dont have a relationship with my brother anymore.
He was always a bully to his son, and his wife. There was always something stupid. I was the only one who would tell him to stop. Now his wife has cancer and he was sitting there throwing the bills on the table as to how much her chemo is costing him.
She was sitting there too with a head band around her bald head. I almost cried for her that she had to listen to him. But then she is the one that has let him walk all over her for 40 years.
I wrote all about it on another note here. I feel the same. I fear I am the monster. I stop all happiness. I love the way you describe your dance, it is just the way I feel.
Avoid storming out and slamming doors. Instead calmly let your partner know that you need some time to calm down, or that you are giving them time to calm down so that you can later come together to have a rational conversation. Use the time to gather and organise your thoughts so that you can have a constructive discussion later. Trying to control someone who is angry is like waving a red flag at a bull.
It is only going to escalate their anger. Angry people often see themselves as simply reacting to an unfair world, so they are likely to feel attacked if you try to point out that they are being unfair.
Lead by example by remaining calm and coherent. If you are able to calm your partner down in this way then do so. If not, then assert your own boundaries by disengaging from the conversation until your partner is calm.
This not only gives you both space and time to think but also shows your partner a different way of dealing with anger and arguments. If you are struggling with anger issues, or with dealing with someone else who has anger issues, and would like to talk to someone about it, call to book an appointment with one of our therapists at our centres in Clapham and Tooting. You can also email us on info theawarenesscentre. Your email address will not be published. Post Comment. Please add me to the list.
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It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website. So, how can you deal with anger in a healthier way? Active Listening and Asserting Yourself Once your partner has calmed down, you can have a more rational conversation. Compassion and Patience It is important to understand the more vulnerable emotions that anger is hiding, such as fear, hurt, sadness, or pain.
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